Wanted: One Jedi Master

I am in need of a master, someone from whom I can learn the necessary tools to get along in the crazy life of mine. Specifically, right now I need somebody to teach me how to seem respectful and loving and kind toward my husband while I'm really performing some master Jedi mind-tricks on him to get him to do exactly what I want. Is there an online course perhaps? Maybe something where I can get a few credits toward a master's in manipulation?

I don't know if I have talked about the chore list before, but it's a list of all the regular daily, weekly, and monthly chores that need to be performed for the house to not fall down around our ears or bury us in our own clutter, though it doesn't even address things like cleaning off the coffee table or going through junk mail. Anyway, we made it together after the seventh breakdown (mine) in less than a year as a result of someone's lack of any significant contributions around the house (his). He picked the one daily chore he wanted, washing pots and pans, two weekly chores, and one monthly. The only one he has kept up with is the weekly grocery shopping. He even said, after he picked out his chores, "But that still leaves you doing almost everything. I should do more." Ahem. Well, yes, that is true, but I suggested we start small and work our way up. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't expect the chores to be 50/50. I work at home, and only part-time (let's ignore for a moment the fact that Quinn is a full-time++ job all by himself), so it is natural I do more around the house. MORE, not ALL.

One of my biggest issues was when he would fall asleep on the couch at 8:30 while I worked, then wake up at 11:00 and come into the kitchen, where I was washing all of the dishes, and ask [in super sleepy, "I don't really want an honest answer to this question" voice] "What can I do to help?" Hmmm. You, my love, are an accomplished man who runs not one, but three, distinct food-service operations with aplomb, lived alone long before I came along, were raised by a single mother, and have a WHOLE brain in your head. And you have to ask me almost every night what you can do to help. So, when the chore list debuted, and he asked me to post it on the fridge, I said, now you don't have to ask me what you can do! It's all there in black and white and dry-erase-board gray! So, imagine my (carefully controlled) rage last night when I remembered I had to move the laundry over to the dryer right before I decided to go to bed at 11:30 (he fell asleep on the couch around 9:30), and he leaned into the kitchen to ask [gasp] "What can I do to help?" Oh, no he didn't. Thank you Lord for trying to teach me patience and character. Seriously, but now can we move on? What other virtues can we work on that don't make me turn into a raging, spitting, hateful, ugly person? And how about that online course?

Love, Me.