Not Me! Monday

For some reason, I never remember it's Monday until I read MckMama's Not Me Monday blog carnival. For more hilarious stories of things we would NEVER do, not in a million years, check it out and read her and others' blogs.

I did not literally yell/curse at my child today when he specifically disobeyed me and tried to crawl through my legs while I was draining grease from ground beef in a heavy, 8-qt. sauce pot. I did not burn my arm so bad that I yelled "Dammit Quinn! I told you not to come near me when I've got hot food in my hands!!" (There goes the Mother of the Year award I was up for.)

I do not wet my pants at least twice a day, every time I sneeze. It is not so common that recently, when I sneezed and didn't wet myself, I exclaimed proudly about that fact to Jalal.

I did not have to reorganize the refrigerator to fit in a giant orange jug for collecting 24 hours' worth of my pee before my doctor's appointment tomorrow. This is not the third time I've had to do this (once with Quinn and once already with Maddie), and I did not practically roll my eyes at the lab tech who tried to kindly explain the whole procedure to me AGAIN (same girl as the last time; guess she sees a lot of pee jugs).

I did not spend 10 precious minutes with a cranky toddler at the grocery store trying to pick out snack size candy for a church harvest festival. I did not have to weigh the merits of the sale versus the coupon, all the while trying to figure out if "peanut-free candy" meant candy with no nuts in it or candy that was not processed in a facility containing peanuts.

I did not have to laugh hysterically today when Quinn (who just learned "Red stop/Green go!") said "two green gos" at a stoplight and it sounded just like "2 Gringos." I did not laugh even harder when Quinn noticed me laughing and said, "Mama, I funny."

I did not frantically spread three sheets of newspaper around Quinn's chair for our first attempt at eating spaghetti at our new dining room table. I also did not contemplate trying to force a bib on him for the first time in months. I did not settle for tucking a paper towel into his shirt collar.

On a different note: Jalal did not tell Quinn he couldn't have chocolate milk until he finished his breakfast the other day. He did not say, "Daddy gets to drink chocolate milk because he ate his breakfast," all the while knowing that the chocolate milk WAS his breakfast!

I hope there's nothing in your recent past that you wouldn't admit to on the Internet, forgetting that someday a future employer is going to discover this and decide he/she does not want to hire someone who publicly discusses wetting her pants! Love, Us.